I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
