i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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