This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
