I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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