Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
