So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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