then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
