Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
