Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
