My friends, they love my intelligence
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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