I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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