If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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