pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
