he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
