She is in my trunk
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
