guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sober January is a disaster.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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