tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
