My underwear smells like fireworks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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