if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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