You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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