Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
