youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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