you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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