You kept calling me your small dog last night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
