Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
