i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
