Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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