dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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