I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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