your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
