I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Text me some of your sweat
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