Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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