He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
