mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
