I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I enjoy the company of your penis
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
