tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
