Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
