Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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