If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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