The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
