just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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