im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As shirtless as possible
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
