what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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