you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
