I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
