My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
