my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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