he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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