i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
