Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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