Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
