I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
