i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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