There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
