Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize