First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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