The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
