I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
