But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
