There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize